Right now I am only concerned about the choice of my words for this blog. Am I, really? Perfect answer would be “Party yes, and partly no”. I am going to try to strike a delicate balance between strategic and dynamic, proactive and reactive, planned and impulsive. I have stated this earlier also that I am a man of contradiction if at all it is a right phrase to explain but that is for me to understand it’s meaning and for others to interpret & pass judgment on, after all I am a free thinking man and it’s a right granted to everyone too.

I can already foresee the expression of “What the hell was he thinking when writing this piece of crap with no symphony between the beginning and the ending?” Well! That’s me, jumping from one thought to another with a speed much faster than speed of light. Catch me if you can! There is a lot of “reading between the lines and words too” here. People say that normally, it is not advisable to convey anything blunt & direct. But I believe that truth is one and we are all bound to it by our existence and unfortunately I am pathetic & miserable in that art of coming to the point in spiral motion. I hate it that way. I exhibit a strong tendency to jump the flow of information. Very often, I put forth the conclusion of “Z” expecting other people to understand the alphabetic process of “A, B, C…” Anyways, the point is words are the means for meaning and that meaning is subject to individual interpretations, conclusions and judgments so I am writing in the language which I understand and also because of the fact that I detest the stagnancy in any form inducing it’s inherent “slowness” and in this case, it could have been the explanation to be given for the perceived “complex” part. And I bluntly admit that this blog is a manifestation of what I am thinking since quite a long time. I am tired of being in control of self, being a prisoner of my own jail, just like hawk’s mind trapped in a pigeon’s body. And thats why this blog is a statement of expression of my feelings

So to begin, my mind always needs a food for thought. I relax even to think about relaxation. Sometimes I wish, if at all, my mentation stops; just to feel the repercussions but it never happens. Mind is always busy connecting the dots, discovering the meaning, looking for new avenues of knowledge and blah blah blah. These days, I often find myself looking into void and thinking. Mention about the words, confusion, perplexing, dumb-found, baffling, and astounding – and you don’t have to churn out dictionary pages to find their meaning, you can see them prominently on my face. There is a catch in that – face value is different because deep inside I experience the feeling of knowing, understanding things, at least I can claim that I found glimpses of understanding if not the whole thing.

Talking about us as people, we all are hard-wired in every possible unique way at the behest of creator, may be it is his/her “so be it” wish to experience “imperfections” through us. I would be hesitant to use the word “everything” in the above sentence, because human race is just in the debating phase on the validity of string theory right now, it’s a long or may be never ending way till we discover & understand “theory of everything”. I can not mention about others but I like to live life in fast lane where constant cerebral stimulation is my source of energy, where I can exhaust either my body or my mind or the better, both. I thrive on being challenged cerebrally as well as physically. Not because I always want to win. Wining and losing doesn’t matter to me because the process of challenge & retorted action helps me in setting benchmarks. I remember telling my friend often that a greatest sight for me is a man whose mind and body are focused on a single task and acting in tandem. For example: I often feel my adrenaline on my skin when I am watching a movie epitomizing heroism in its right sense, in the past it used to be watching Pete Sampras on Wimbledon court on the way to his winning streak there or Sachin smashing Australian bowlers all over the park in Sharjah although in my standards because of nature of crises, worthwhile examples are of - Alan Greenspan deftly defending U.S. Economy (a de facto locomotive for world economy) when crisis after crisis was thrown at him and George Orwell’s expression of truth in wonderful fables of “Animal Farm” & “1984” against the general opinion prevailing during 1930s and 1940s. Now these are men of “Right” convictions, although there are many but only few of them have the ability to execute their convictions and that’s what makes them champions. They don’t care which way the current is moving; they just have their target in sight. They make me believe in the quote “Action speaks louder than words”.

Anyways coming back to me again, stimulation & experimentation being the prime mover of my spirit, I sought to experience the detachment of mind and body. I wanted to feel emotions of a phrase “out of place”. I carried my body where my mind never intended or wanted to take it. I experienced it when I indulged voluntarily to relax my thinking muscles of gray matter in my head. It only paved the way for my own degradation in my own eyes. I was wandering with the depravity of purpose. But something had to happen and it happened when it came across to me in words in “Atlas Shrugged” that “Joy is the core of existence, the motive power of every living being, that it is the need of one's body as it is the goal of one's spirit, that body was not a weight of inanimate muscles, but an instrument able to give me an experience of superlative joy to unite my flesh and my spirit.” I asked one simple question to myself “where be my joy?” and I found that it is in the guiltless desires of my mind and the same desires manifested in actions.

Now I think what if I was alone in this world to carry out all my desires with no one to stop me or the other way round, nobody’s presence would bother me from executing my actions. Would that be a perfect world? This is an interesting question. Of course, with only two possible outcomes of “Yes” or “No”. Answer “Yes” is utopian world which exists only in figments of imagination or wonderful daydreams and answer “No” is the real world. Now the above passage is a testimony to the fact that I am little bit conscious of my actions and perception about them by outside world. When I introspect this matter two things happen in my mind, first - I often wish if I was like the character of Howard Roark of Fountainhead, completely detached and then - I generally use borrowed statement of “I am just a common man” as an excuse to console my mind and get moving on in life.

We live in a world where interactions are inevitable. Research has proven that human beings are naturally social animals and they often feel the need to interact with the outside world in some way or the other. Nobody wants to be alone and I am no exception. I have my soul mates too in Adam Smith, Milton Friedman, Aldous Huxley, Ayn Rand, Alan Greenspan, George Orwell, and Lord Shrikrishna to name a few because their guidance, logic and emotions; the whole persona appeal to my heart and brain. But problem is most of them are either dead in their grave or they are just fictional characters in a movie or a book. I can not talk to them or interact with them. Now that’s where “Friends” come into picture. Everyone meeting for the first time is a stranger. Then few of these strangers strike resonance to upgrade their status into friends. A resonance is a very exciting phenomenon reflecting nothing but meeting of two similar energies, perhaps the purest form of fusion and union. As an individual, my brain is tuned to a broad spectrum of frequencies and when I receive the same frequencies from other people, I find it tempting to make friends with them. Friends you choose are the reflection of your own being and of the things that make you exist. Why do you seek friends? The simplest answer to this question would be "to feel good & be happy" about the whole companionship. Friendship for me is a place of solace and to express my feelings, to listen and learn good things, a place of complete freedom devoid of any judgments and of tacit understanding & respect for each other as a person.

For some odd reasons, back-propagation algorithm dealing in pattern-recognition installed in my neural networks is relatively strong which has armed me with “see through” ability. Most often in the name of friendship what I see is, diplomacy and urge for being politically correct by following the good and bad books philosophy, people restricting their own freedom in order to impress upon each other for the sake of impression. They make friendship and then they use it as a platform of playing games of winning or loosing, establishing superiority over each others, a typical display of “wannabe” attitude, witnessing of a public display of affection which has lost its dignity of love and which borders on soft-porn levels of lust, albeit that love and lust go hand in hand, love has omnipresence qualities about it which lust doesn’t have. A friendship is sacred bond which insures freedom while giving you an assurance of a companionship. I have had my fair share of experience of friendship where “friends” have to meet regularly in order to keep that fire of friendship alive. To meet across the table, to chit-chat, gossip, talk behind the backs of people, enjoy these trivial conversations and laugh on other people’s stupidity. I feel out of place with this idea of enjoying my time. I partially understand this logic of meeting each other frequently. I don't like it and don't approve of it. It has lot to do with me as a person because my threshold for boredom is very low, the situations and people are very predictable. There are certain things which really make me furious and one of them is obvious devoid of logic which I see many times around me. I can’t sit at one place and do nothing. I value my own as well as others happiness & time too much. I respect what others want to do; at the same I respect my wants & desires too. I don't have problem in complying with others if I feel I can have fun in complying. And at times, if there is a conflict, everyone is free to go their own way without any round of question-answers. In fact, I have had my own personal experiences of people putting up entire history of friendship at stake because of this, which in turn makes me ask a question to myself “Why am I friends with him or her? If he/she doesn’t understand me as a person?” “Why is it my job every time to oblige or be complacent to their wishes? Or am I being fool not to put forth my wills strongly?” I hate it, when I feel that may be I should have been happy if I had done that or been there to witness it, for missing out on that moment of joy. I am not complaining but I like to highlight the fact that, I am a sort of individual who in a friendship, gives freedom and demands the same in return. Obligation is a strict no-no, emotional exploitation in the name of “You don’t understand friendship at all. For friends, you have to do it” gets on to my nerve. I feel suffocated if I am doing something out of that feeling. Sometimes on my retorting, I have been suggested to look at the “bigger picture” and to bring that bigger picture onto real world canvas; you have to climb down the ladder of compromises. Then I want to tell them, I very well understand the difference between trivialities & bigger picture. The bigger picture is:- friendship is a place where friends do not live for each other but are ready to die for each other.

I see two distinct kinds of religions in people; one minority set desires to lead life with the ultimate power of earned & sought knowledge and the other majority which lives in blessed ignorance. There exists a middle ground as well: these are people living on denial & defiance and who will stick to their proposition of “Left is Right” in their narrow minds; they seek to conform & justify their ignorance with faiths & beliefs often sacrificing reason in that process. When you point out the "relatively unpleasant" truth to this kind of crowd, you would expect the most common reply of "Whatever" which perhaps I define in following words "I would rather desire ignorance about it" expression slapped all over their faces. In response to “whatever” at times I wish to quote Aldous Huxley's famous words of "Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored" but often the same Aldous Huxley's one step higher quote "Great is truth, but still greater, from a practical point of view, is silence about truth" keeps my mouth shut.

There are some important things which I hold them very close & would prefer to indulge & let my mind simmer through them. I enjoy it very much. All I want to do is what I want to do but not at the expense of others, in a sense I will not ask them to comply with my desires. These days this streak of individualism is creating quite a stir in my life. I feel distant from others. A relationship with an obligation is a burden for me. Somehow compulsion disguised in obligation creeps in to exploit the bond. If I feel that I am being judged in whatever manner for the thoughts and actions which in my judgment are within the confinement of reason & based on the premises of ethics, I feel suffocated. Ideally, it shouldn’t affect me at all but I owe to the corruption made possible by emotions and circumstances to make it real and finally who is to be blamed; nobody but myself.

Not me and not any-one, is born with “axioms of knowledge”. A raw form has to undergo a transformation through the furnace of experience of acting, reading, seeing, hearing, thinking and trying to come out in shape. After struggling and passing grades in the department of intellect, it has come to a stage where abstraction, essence and absolute are the ones that matter. I have come to realize that contradictions are just delusions, they represent errors in thinking and only the absolute is real. There is no half measure for the truth; it is one & an end in itself. Now what matters the most is the creation and then creative improvisation based on faculty of judgment which is mine and my own. It’s just about reaching heights which you can only define & experience as you and only you have the key to the home of your happiness. You are happy when you conform to your own nature based on the ethical & logical premises. It happens by maintaining your own space and not invading the others. I don’t believe in religion but I believe in the “way of life”. I believe in one sentence of “existentialism” which says “a man finds a law in his freedom”. And I bow to that freedom.